I'm Actual.

To be completely honest with myself, a tiny, miniscule part of me is relieved. I won't have to wonder, or whine, or worry anymore.

It doesn't matter if I was expecting it - I saw it coming.

But it doesn't even matter!
It still sucks.

Funny, today was right on the dot for the 3rd-month-since-he-left mark.

But okay, I won't say anymore about it. I'll get over it, and I'll suffer it all in silence from this point on.

[the end.]


dunnstock said...

Screw silence. If you need to yell, yell. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to beat up Yoshi in Smash Bros Brawl, I'll be over around 5:15.

Sigma Seven said...

Yes, there's karma, but there's also disproportionate karma. And typically we're our own worst critics, and you're an artist, so take that times nine.

And silence is overrated. Catharsis is much more liberating and often more creative. Pour out your sorrows profitably. Even if you think you deserved them (and that's debatable), they're still your sorrows, to do with as you please and as befits you.

Melanie Tingdahl said...

But how will I feel the way I deserve to if I don't make myself suffer?

That sounds really emo, and I honestly don't feel that bad about it anymore. But I never liked feeling as though I was a burden, complaining and whining about seemingly petty things.

Sigma Seven said...

I'm not sure suffering's good for the soul anymore -- I've done enough of it and I don't have much of a soul, so that was a lot of wasted time, and I think even my conscience would concede that fact now.

There still has to be just enough agony for penance -- it's a rite of passage, I think, and more so for the principled than the pernicious -- but when you get your feet again, just keep going.

I can't speak for complaining or whining -- though I'd be wary of anyone who'd characterize your concerns in that matter (unless it's you, in which case I invoke "own worst critic" again) -- but you are not a burden. You are complicated and creative and wondrous, and when you're in the orbit of the right person, you both become weightless.

What happened, happened, and it'll still have happened tomorrow and the day after that and all the rest that follow. It's okay to linger on it, but when you're ready, there's something else waiting.